Flip Through The Memories

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Play. Pause. Rewind. Replay.

Have you ever felt like a stranger? When you look around you, the faces are all a little too familiar. You know them all for a long time. Family. Best friends. Relatives. Then, life happens. You wake up one day and realise everyone is moving at a different pace, in a different path, and suddenly you no longer know them. You recognise them, but that is all to it.

Where are you now? You look back to a few years ago, when you just finished high school, and everyone was high of excitement and free from all the school rules. For some, it might have been a bless. For some, it might not. You left the front gate of your school with many promises made.

"Let's keep in touch!"
"Let's hang out some time soon!"
Let's do this and that.

But life is not exactly what we always planned it to be now, is it? You end up tweeting them to keep up with their lives, liking their pictures on Instagram and wishing birthdays on Facebook. Even when you finally get to hang out, you seem to be left out in conversations, because it has been a while since you met everybody, leaving you faking smiles and forcing laughter, sipping the fancy, expensive drink from Starbucks. It looks like you are having some good time, maybe you are, but inside that brain of yours, you keep thinking "Wow, how life has changed, how everyone has changed".

Then you go back to your little dark room, can't help but reflecting on your life. Unfortunately, after a series of unlucky events, you realise that nothing much has changed. You are still the seventeen year old girl who left high school with sadness and heartache, mourning about your sad, pathetic life, hoping that it would somehow change, but it never does. The only thing that has changed is your age and you can't help but mourn about that too.

"I'm getting older," you think to yourself, "wow." That is pretty much what leaves you in awe about yourself. How you never realised your body was growing and suddenly the sad six year old is now big and tall and no longer a little girl. How you wish you could turn back time and be that little girl again but then you look back at how stressed out you have been all those years ago, all the loss you have suffered and you just wipe off your tears and can't stop wishing you grow older and mature so that you can move out from your sad life.

"Is it fair though? Is it fair to blame on people when your life sucks?" You hear yourself asking. From your point of view, yes. They ruined your life, your good memories, your everything. But, really though? Did they really do all that or was it you? Was it anyone else's choice that you grew up hating your life?


You look in the mirror and your own reflection scares you. You look at your face, trying to remember how it used to look like a couple of years ago. You can't quite figure out what changed, but something did, because everything is no longer quite the same. You look longer, trying to memorise the face in your reflection, because a few years from now, you might be seeing a different reflection. You try to remember all of the things that happened, things that have made who you are today, things that have left you bitter and sad and full of anger and hatred. But the more you try, the more easier it is to blame everything on yourself, the more harder it is to find the fault in everyone else. 

The clock is ticking, you are running out of time. And then, one day, you wake up, with a smile on your face. You are still sad, and bitter. The stain of yesterday. So, what do you do now?

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