Flip Through The Memories

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Motherfucker.


"Yeah, well, I shut everybody out. Don't take it personally. It's just easier."

I couldn't find the right word to begin with. My head is running wild again. So many things, negative things, running wild in here. When I couldn't find words to explain, usually I would let my tears speak for me. But these days, the tears don't seem to explain anything. I just don't know myself anymore. There are moments when I could feel the sadness becomes too overwhelming to bear, but I couldn't find my tears. All that's left now is the painful heartache that claws my every heartbeat, leaving me breathless each time. 

It's ridiculous of how much I want to turn things around, to change everything. If I could have a reset button, I would go back to the time when things were still in control. I was really confused of life, now I am very, very confused of myself. I don't know if it's even right to feel this way. But if it's right, then why do I feel only heartache and sadness instead of happiness? Why do I feel empty instead of feeling whole and content? But if it's wrong, why can't I take a step back?

I know I've been giving out excuses. I could have make things right again. I could have chosen to walk away from this situation. Honestly, that was supposed to be what I do best in life. I have always been so good at running away from problems. But this time the person involved makes me re-think of every sole purpose I've ever made in life, leaving me questioning my every action. If I walk away, I'd lose. If I stay, I'd still lose. It's so fucking unfair. I could never win. 

Life is weird, I can guarantee you that. I could say that life is hard, but I'm not the only person on Earth. There are others who have it worse. But life is weird. One second you thought you have it all figured out, suddenly the table turns, and nothing is the same anymore. In a fraction of time, everything could change and you have to start sorting out those puzzle pieces into its places again. Even thinking about it gives me a headache. There is always going to be a missing puzzle piece and I fear that I never going to find it.

This emptiness is driving me off the wall. It's not that I don't let myself to feel the happiness but it doesn't feel quite right. Like I said, it still feels empty. There's something missing from the equation, and I couldn't quite figure out the answer. I probably already have the answer right in front of me but as for now, it's either I'm too blind to see or I'm too stubborn to bring myself to see it. I think it's the latter, but you know what? The hell with it. I'm done with whatever this is. I'm emotionally drained from trying to figure out everything. I never got the right answer. 

You could say that I'm giving up. Walking away is an option. Although it has been ruled out repeatedly by the person involved, I never got it out of the list. There must be a limit to how much pain I could handle in life, right? Talking about it won't make the pain go away. Keeping it bottled up inside won't heal the wound either. 

So, what do I do now? 

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