Flip Through The Memories

Friday, 25 January 2013

Incertitude.


"Someday, you'll turn back and I won't be waiting for you any longer."

Uncertainty.

It kills. It is like a poison, sipping through your vein, turning the red blood into disgustingly black. It kills. It makes you want to scream real hard until there is no more voice left in you and leaves you empty. It kills. It does. It makes you want to run away. But, how exactly do you run away from the demon within yourself?

I love to run. I am not really good at it. I don't really have enough stamina to do long distance. But I really love running. It puts my mind off things. Maybe I just like to think of it that way. Who knows? I am not really good at expressing myself. Sometimes, words are overrated. I don't have to think straight to run. I just need a pair of running shoes and just go with the adrenaline rush. While I run, I let my mind runs as well. It is like a gateway of escape. Physically and mentally. 

But I can't keep running forever, you know. Especially not from myself. I have to eventually stand up and face my demon. I have kept it hidden for a long time, it is bigger than life itself. I'm not sure if I can fight it anymore. It's trying to take over my thoughts, my feelings... basically my whole life. Not that I want to let it, but it is naturally part of me. I'm at war with myself. One way or another, I will have to lose, for better or for worse. 

I'm on the verge of losing this battle. I'm losing my strength. I wanted to believe that I was holding on to something invisible, that would eventually appear before me and thank me for waiting for far too long, but I just have to stop lying to myself. The thing is that it is not invisible. It is not there at all. It was never there. It was not people. It was me. I was hurting myself all along, and I'm going to continue doing it for the rest of my life.

The pain is like a giant black hole at the center of my heart, sucking everything around me, consuming me from within. There's nothing left of me. I'm just a memory. I will fade away someday. Yeah, maybe people will remember me for a little while. 

And then what?

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