Flip Through The Memories

Monday, 9 July 2012

I feel so insignificant.

"Am I still on Earth?"

Sometimes I envy people who are madly in love with their partners. How are they so sure that they're gonna spend their whole life with that one person? Then it occurs to me that they're not sure. They just took a leap of faith and risk their chances in life. If it doesn't work out, they get upset and then, life moves on. But I'm too afraid to take that risk and that's one of the reasons of why I am still single up until now.

That person must be freaking special to want to be with me. I can't help but smile at the thought of us, waking up to each others' side 50 years from now, our skins covered with wrinkles of old age. We have kids, all grown ups and have their lives to live with and we still have each other, if we're that lucky. Yes, who wouldn't want that? Everyone wants that. The question is: Am I ready to spend the rest of my life with that special someone? Am I ready to take the chances?

I said, "Girl, can I tell you a wonderful thing?
I made you a present with paper and string.
Open with care now, I'm asking you, please.
You know that I love you, will you marry me?"

My case is easily hard enough to bear when I only have two siblings and both of them are happily married. My sister is giving birth soon enough and my brother just discovered that his wife is pregnant. As I plastered a happy smile on my face, I questioned my own sincerity. Who am I kidding? I'm not losing anyone but I'm losing everyone. Maybe it sounds silly to people but they're having their own family and I am becoming more and more alone by days. I still have them but I don't own them anymore. I'm so selfish and reality could kill me emotionally.

Am I not happy for them? Why would I not? Of course, as selfish as I am emotionally, I'm not going to let them lose their happiness. They had went through hardship in their lives and to finally live a happy live with their loved ones must be a bliss. But I won't have my mother to stand by me forever, and I'd already lost my father. Soon enough, I will not be anyone's priority and I will be on my own. The thought scares me. Will I survive? Yes. Only that my life will always have that empty spot that could never be filled in.

What did I tell you about me being selfish? I've said enough. I did not lie when I said I wish I had a twin. Maybe then I will have a different problem to deal with but a twin is a twin, he/she will always be there for you. At least that's what I thought. Like I said, that is a different story.

So don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose 
If given the choice, then, I'm begging you, choose 
To walk away, walk away, don't let her get you.
I can't bear to see the same happen to you. 
Now son, I'm only telling you this... 
...Because life, can do terrible things

I need a therapy. 
[Lyrics: Terrible Things - Mayday Parade]

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