I was about to type out the first line and it was supposed to go this way; "I am so depressed..." but then I deleted that back and started to think. I thought it through very deeply and even though I don't know what was I really thinking about, I continued thinking anyways. Then I stopped thinking and started typing these nonsense instead. Honestly, I don't know what is on my mind anymore.
This is like a turning point of my life and I don't like how my life is turning out to be right now. College is going to end soon. I'm going to leave everything behind me after and start over when I enter university. I'm going to leave behind all these happy and bad memories I experienced here and move on with life. Um, I guess I need to rephrase that sentence...
I'm going to leave college with all those memories still fresh in my mind and none of them will ever think of me ever again. The name "Basyirah Rahman" will probably instantly disappear from their minds the moment they reach their hometowns. I'm easily replaced, it upsets me. Every time someone closed to me found someone new, they will immediately forget who I was to them. I am no longer important to them. Overreacting, you say? Heh, never mind. I'm used to having people with many friends saying that to me.
I smile but I am sad. I laugh but I am crying. I tried everything to disguise my sadness as happiness, my tears as my laughter and my loneliness as awkwardness. But nothing seems to work for me even though it seems to work just fine to people around me. None of them really notice anything, but how can I blame them when I'm already pretty good at pretending? How can I blame anyone but myself?
Alone and forever alone is an understatement. You might have not seen me walking around like a weirdo, alone. It's impossible to miss the times I walked with my friends, laughing and smiling like I have no problems to care of. It's impossible to miss seeing the tall girl, who awkwardly misfit with the crowd, who is pretty loud, who laughs and smiles all the time, and never seem to worry about a single thing. But everyone had missed the girl I truly am, the girl I was supposed to be, the girl in disguise.
I have tried to fit in but I failed. I have tried to be happy and again I failed. I have tried to achieve something in life that I can cherish forever, yet again I failed. Everything is just not right. Everything is always wrong. I wonder how it all happened but I can't figure it out. Life is just messing around with me, I guess. No one said life is easy. But no one said you can go through it unscathed.
Fight the battle and win the war; or surrender yourself and be defeated.
Everything I wished for never came true. I wish and I can only forever wish upon a shooting star yet none of it will ever come true. It's either God is saving the best for the last or I just don't have the luck. The title of this post said it all. I just want to be happy. To finally have the guy I love in my life, to finally achieve something in life to make my family proud of myself and to be someone that everyone can proudly say
"Hey, she's special."
Hi, I exist. I know I won't win the battle. I am already defeated before the war even started.