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Friday, 7 October 2011

Options.


It's been a while since I last poured my heart out in here. I've been feeling rather down lately. Sometimes, it's just too nice to isolate yourself from everyone else; to just lie down on your bed, pull the blanket up to your face, hug a pillow and cry your eyes out. Don't you think so? I used to do that, you know. The worse part is that I can't do that anymore, right at when I want to do it the most. I'm never alone anymore. But ironically, I feel so lonely on the inside. Why? I don't know why.

It's just too hard to predict myself, I can assure you that. I used to let it all out to my gay partner and she would listen to every single detail without judging me. But nowadays, I just can't seem to force a word out of my mouth and it's hurting me too much I'm dying a little bit inside. I just want to vent on and on about everything that I'm feeling right now, but I just don't know what to talk about. I want to tell you that I'm sad and alone, but I'm not sure if that's what I really feel right now. I want to tell you that I'm having the time of my life, but I can assure you, my happiness never last longer than a day.

Basyirah is one confused girl, man. I don't even know what to do with myself. I tried very hard to figure out about myself; about what I want, what I need, and what I don't. But after years of thinking and struggling, I still can't quite figure out any of it yet. Frustrating, yes. But what fear me the most is when I feel quite relieve not knowing what I want in life. It's kinda scary, don't you think? How can I feel relieve not knowing what I want in life? Aren't we supposed to plan our future so that we won't be left behind? But how do I differentiate of what I want and what I need? Some said I have to let go of what I want and find only the things that I need. Easy for them to say, eh?

"So could you please tell me which of the things I need so that I could neglect the things that I don't?"

I'm only human. I have feelings. But I'm scared to approach love when I can't even figure out my life yet. I don't know how to handle heartache, I don't know how to handle a person whom I love dearly, I don't know if I can handle the pain if he decides that he doesn't love me anymore one day. I'm trying my best to avoid all of these feelings, but I failed miserably. Why, Basyirah, why? Why can't you just shut all the feelings and leave it all behind you? Close the door and lock it.

Trust me, if I already have the answer to that question, I won't bother to ramble all this stupid nonsense here. It turns out to be that I'm never good enough for anybody. It's a sad thing to admit but I can't deny that one fact. Some just took me for granted, some just wanted to spend their fucking own free times, and some just wanted to fool me around. Played me around like I'm some toy he just bought from the store and dumped me aside when he had had enough of me.

"The thing that scares me the most is having someone I care about wake up one morning and say they could do better than me. That they’re tired of me, or don’t want anything else to do with me. Then simply walk away without any reason, explanation, or even a simple goodbye. They just decide to ignore me, and I’m left to wonder what the hell happened. That scares me."

I think I should just stop rambling now. It took me a lot of courage to even vent this on here. It took me quite a few hours to think of how to put all of this into words. It took me forever debating with myself whether or not to click on the "Publish Post" button. As I'm typing this out, my heart is still debating with my mind. But now I have come to a conclusion that it's mind over matter; I don't mind, you don't matter. 

P/s: But I can't stop from secretly hoping that one day he'll notice me like how I notice him. 

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